these r the shits tht run thru my pwetty lil head lmao

Day: Saturday. Time: 12:12pm. Mood: bored,scruffy,lonely^^

hahaha. so yeah, im at my aunts due to.. 1 miserable reason; my mum went to the US to see a certain someone n cudnt b bothered to bring me alone. THE NERVE OF THAT WOMEN! hahahah. but inaveryweirdsortaway, its a good thing. I get 2 n 1/2 weeks of.. less torture with books n she gets a great holiday in the US travellin to New york, LA, n utah. BLAHHH.

last night was weird, i was incredibly sleepy so i went up to bed at bout 11.30?? so yeah.. i was on the phone with sean for a while, having our usual goodnight-phonecalll. So okay, we said our goodnight, our iloveyous, and our I FRIGGIN LOVE YOUS, and went off to bed. but i was up for a while longer smsing Jilian. She was.. yeah, pretty off last night. SO okay, i was in the middle of replyin her-when i dift off to sleep. typicalmelissa. hahaha. so yeah.. then suddenly i heard this beeping sound n i wondered "dude.. is tht the fire alarm or smth coz i definately do not hav to go to school today" i opened my eyes, n i found myself sleepin on my phone -.-" so i look at it, n this voice sayin "ur recording time has passed its limit" i was like. WHATTHEFUCK?! p.s this was at 5.58 in the morn.lol.  so i look closely n wiped my eyes so it was tht blur. i noticed tht i made a call to jilian. n it has been goin on for bout 3 mins. i was like.. i hate it when this happens. n whats even weirder is tht, if i made a call to her when i was asleep (prolly by rolling on the phone too much =/) y didnt she just hang up after a few quiet seconds??

anyways, i woke up in the morn -blurrer as ever coz i didnt hav a good nights sleep- the dogs were barking. sigh. and i just noticed tht i feel super..lonely?? i miss miss miss him so much. eventho i just saw him like, yesterday? n it was a very great yesterday i might add =P babe, u know what im talkin bout^^. i cant wait to get outta here n get to school n see HIM.

i’ll prolly b bloggin a lot this weekend since, well, im BORED. n im suppose to b studyin.so yeah. CIAO~ iloveyousean! =]

i got up this morning, wishing i didnt have to go to school. after all, i was having a bad sore throat (now worse) and i had a terrible night before. So i drag myself off the bed and wished it wud rain so at least, i cud tell my mum ` mum can i not go to school coz the van driver left me again coz of the rain`. but neah.. the sky was pitch black (duhh.. 6 am in da morn)

So i went on.. brushed my teeth.. bla bla bla. prepared my breakfast. n i dunno why, i felt like having toast n tea. so okay, i made tea. I thought i would be able to finish it by 6.30 since thts when i was suppose to leave. No.. sumhow, i was just late. i left my tea on the radio, grab my toasts, my bag n shoes.. slapped the radio off and slammed the door n ran down to my van-who wasnt there yet -.- .

School was alright, the usual.. just smth felt off. i guess, lotsa things ran thru my head. i do realize i say and do stupid things im not supposed to do. I have apologised for em, n yet sumhow i recreate them and end up hurtin myself and others. I hate myself for it The night before, my boyfriend said he couldnt trust me in anything i do anymore. that made me feel bad. i`ve failed him. ive done wrong again. and so.. i weeped the night away. Wishing i was just someone else. Wishing, i could make things right and never do the things he and i hate. He cant forgive me anymore coz, he just kept forgiving me every single time. and i repeat everything. I admit, i am a girl filled with jealousy. I lash out on people easily.. its how i basically react to things to protect myself. But to think that, he coudlnt trust me anymore.. i felt bad. really bad. But he said he loves me.

Heres what i think. Love just aint love without trust.  If there aint no trust.. it basically means, theres no love. I do trust him. i do, just.. not entirely with my life n soul. Ive done that before, i ended up getting real hurt. So i restrained myself from trusting. But he changed me in a way. he showed me care, he gave me comfort, he expressed love. We have gone further than i`ve ever imagined. Ive learned to trust again. slowly, but honestly.

i love you sean. and i`m sorry for the pain i`ve caused.