Trust
i got up this morning, wishing i didnt have to go to school. after all, i was having a bad sore throat (now worse) and i had a terrible night before. So i drag myself off the bed and wished it wud rain so at least, i cud tell my mum ` mum can i not go to school coz the van driver left me again coz of the rain`. but neah.. the sky was pitch black (duhh.. 6 am in da morn)
So i went on.. brushed my teeth.. bla bla bla. prepared my breakfast. n i dunno why, i felt like having toast n tea. so okay, i made tea. I thought i would be able to finish it by 6.30 since thts when i was suppose to leave. No.. sumhow, i was just late. i left my tea on the radio, grab my toasts, my bag n shoes.. slapped the radio off and slammed the door n ran down to my van-who wasnt there yet -.- .
School was alright, the usual.. just smth felt off. i guess, lotsa things ran thru my head. i do realize i say and do stupid things im not supposed to do. I have apologised for em, n yet sumhow i recreate them and end up hurtin myself and others. I hate myself for it The night before, my boyfriend said he couldnt trust me in anything i do anymore. that made me feel bad. i`ve failed him. ive done wrong again. and so.. i weeped the night away. Wishing i was just someone else. Wishing, i could make things right and never do the things he and i hate. He cant forgive me anymore coz, he just kept forgiving me every single time. and i repeat everything. I admit, i am a girl filled with jealousy. I lash out on people easily.. its how i basically react to things to protect myself. But to think that, he coudlnt trust me anymore.. i felt bad. really bad. But he said he loves me.
Heres what i think. Love just aint love without trust. If there aint no trust.. it basically means, theres no love. I do trust him. i do, just.. not entirely with my life n soul. Ive done that before, i ended up getting real hurt. So i restrained myself from trusting. But he changed me in a way. he showed me care, he gave me comfort, he expressed love. We have gone further than i`ve ever imagined. Ive learned to trust again. slowly, but honestly.
i love you sean. and i`m sorry for the pain i`ve caused.
